.Wednesday, December 31, 2008 ' 4:19 PM Y
waiting for that my "last order"...
this is the first time for her that i couldnt sleep for the whole night just to think about every single things she said earlier on and about every single day that we together... and also for the first time i cried at every thing thats running through my mind all related to her... i remember the last time i cried so badly like this was because of von... when i almost ended my life and really doing things that almost end my life... drinking everyday... cutting everyday... crying everyday... to the extend that i cant even recognise myself...
im glad that the darkness is over when i found her... who really taught me that things can be different... human and relationship are different... and i thought i really thought she might be the one i look for... when our point of view are so the same at the beginning be it towards love or our view of life... maybe thats the reason why things became like this now... when both are similiar... or maybe too different?
during my secondary school days... history teacher taught me how powerful and influencing pen is for reporter or writer... because of the way they phrase it and the words that used... and i know how scary it can be... and how objective each can be... but i never thought that it would be this scary... till i experience it yesterday myself... is love thats so scary? when love turn to hate? or its just human nautre to behave this way? else could it be because of trust or the way that is communicated... when hurtful words starts to get across one and other... saying things that never salvage any relationship or solve any problem... getting more misunderstanding... getting more confused... etc... maybe... problem really lies with me...
and thinking back i begin to realise... the more strong you tried to be... the higher chances for people to break that strong front of yours and expose the extreme weak side of you... showing you that you are actually this weak... i remember what lin jie and xavier once told me... dont put on a mask or a strong front whenever possible... just be yourself... at least things can be happier and easier for you... and its up to others to accept the way you are... for many years... i have been putting on a mask... different mask at different occasion and at different people... even scottz also said before... you dress like a professional and you perform like one... and when come face to face to her... im really being myself... really having no stress no pretendence no strong front no mask for most time... just the side of me that i always am... only at certain time when i really want to hide want to run away from everything... i being to lose myself... but turn out to be lying and being childish to her... worst... hurting even without knowing...
i thought being together is not just one side giving everything... its also involving both parties... well... i guess im wrong... or maybe... i should start thinking if im right and fit to even be in a relationship... for the fact that part of me still unable to forget the hurt i been through... thinking and feeling that everyone will/might find someone elses out there even if both party love each other... and the darkest side of relationship...
i dont know since when i started to hate myself... hate the way i changed yet not to the max... hate myself for not being able to be the one she want... hate the way i look at things... hate the way i cant stop falling into that pit knowing that theres lots of thorns in it... hate the things i done which most of the time regretted doing... hate showing the childish side to her... etc... but i always do things for a reason... just that i can no longer tell her... on the other hand i begin to envy... envy those people she really fall in love with before and all her other flings... envy shuang ru... envy those couple that lasted very out there... i dont know why... this is the second time i feel so envy...
now i see that maybe faults really lies with me... when thinking back all the relationship i had... all the mistake and fault i made... it really lies with me... and given that bitch and von leaving me with someone else... and then cause me not able to trust what she do... feeling that everyone is the same... will start flirting wanting more fun more attention more excitement... i know thats her character her wants her need and her freedom... i should have give more space for her to breathe... but im already doing so... trying not to care so much for her... worry so much for her... sms her that requently... coming to mutual agreement if i should follow her to meet her friends... asking her those questions that she dont like... etc... shouldnt be living in those memories... and really move out of it... but love... i really dont dare and dont know how to trust it anymore... not even that little gim of hope left after seeing my mums relationships/marriages... and the relationships i been through...
mind filled with bomb questions... and broken heart is answering it... i can no longer know which/what is right and which/what is wrong... have no idea which direaction should i head to now... really dont wish to hope that the last thing i can do for her is just keeping all the promises and change to the max but yet she doesnt know...
*对不起在你面前做了我自己... 选择了做个真正的自己却伤害了你... 真的很对不起... 怪只怪我一直的任性... 大男人主义... 还有坏小孩子脾气... 对不起... 我真的不是故意... 撩乱了你的心... 还要你时不时的哄哄我... 让让我... 惹了你生气... 还不懂的逗逗你... 对你是真心... 从没假意... 从前的一切我一直都很珍惜... 请你相信我... 真的对不起对不起... 就算一切都变成了你的回忆... 我也都不怪你... 怪只能怪我错过我们这段感情... 还伤害了彼此的友情...*
