.Wednesday, July 15, 2009 ' 7:13 PM Y
waiting for that my "last order"...
i hate... i really hate the me im behaving... =/ i hate the way i live in self denial... i hate the way i make history repeat... i hate lying to you again and again... i hate for loving you... =/ i hate a lot of things... and i hate keeping it all inside me...today... i bought disney back with me... see disney remind me of
you... i thought... this might be the way that can bring us back together like before... but im wrong... maybe disneys trick doesnt works anymore... off today... packed my things... didi sick... nothing much... mummy bought me the board
you made for me on my birthday... and this is the first time when i see it... i have this mix feeling... a very complicated feeling... reading the note over and over again... questioning myself this... do
you still feel bless/bliss knowing me? ha... maybe not anymore... after all the things i have done... =/
i lied today... lie to bendan... lie to everyone... lie to myself... and most importantly... i lied to
you... i pushed
you away and i made history repeat even though i promised that i wouldnt...
you would never know how much it hurts me when i said that lie... but that the only thing i can do now for
you so that
you will really move on without me... without worrying for me anymore... yes i do feel the worry
you have for me when im sick... maybe... im the one that is lying... lying that is because
you still love me... thats why the worry... and not thinking that its just because as a friend... =/ i hate myself living in self denial... but theres no time for regret anymore... when
you need him but me... =/
my heart really hurt... mind really confuse... tell me... please... tell me
you dont love me anymore... dont have me in
your heart anymore... just... kill all out of me... please... loving
you really make me lost myself... please... just tell me... just kill everything that i have for
you now... so that i can forget and regret the every bit about us... ... ...
to bendan:
sorry my friend... sorry that i couldnt keep my words to you when i told you that i would try to be happy and wouldnt make history repeat... i know the things i do now is different from what i told you... but right now... this is the only way to see her happy bah... =/ for you... dont make history repeat ok? once you miss it... love will never come back again le... and will never return no matter how much you wish for it... understand?
to
you:
should i be glad or should i be sad? for this time i know things are all just like bubbles... vanished into the thin air... whatever promises that we shared... whatever future that we planned... whatever love that we had... is it really just like bubbles that vanished into the thin air?
i still love you as much as before... even though i pushed you to him... im not happy at all... are you? im always wearing that ring that belongs to us... i thought as long as i keep all this with me... someday you will see everything i tried and work hard for... mi just being silly always in self denial? or this is the fate that we have?
do you feel hurt or you feel happy when you found out that actually im just lying to you today? would it be better if you wake me up from this dream that im having? should i believe that worry you have in me that day is because im still yours or just because we are friends... should i still believe that you will keep the promise between us when now im trying to keep all the promises that i made?
i never felt so lost... people around me said so and felt so... i never realised that until i lose you... must our love really go through so much? or just me? =/ tell me will you? tell me... when can i stop crying every day every night for you...
it hurts... really hurts... ... ...
